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posted by [identity profile] viralmancer.livejournal.com at 01:26pm on 27/01/2007
I *really* like the second one. It's very well written, and the angst is quite real- none of this "WAAAAAAAHOMGSHE'SDEAAAAAAAAD" kind of crap that other, far less superior writers like to churn out.

The only thing with the first one is the punctuation on some of the dialogue, i.e.:

“They keep telling me that I’ll accept it eventually.” she’d said, and her voice had been small and sad. “I can’t. I’ve tried and I can’t. I’m scared.”

“Stay with me.” She had asked him.

“I promise.” Had been his reply.

Since you have the verbs behind the quotes, they should use commas at the end instead of periods, like this:

“They keep telling me that I’ll accept it eventually,” she’d said, and her voice had been small and sad. “I can’t. I’ve tried and I can’t. I’m scared.”

“Stay with me,” she had asked him.

“I promise,” had been his reply.

But other than that, good. And hey! I knew what was going on! :D
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posted by [identity profile] stunt-muppet.livejournal.com at 05:58pm on 28/01/2007
Fixed 'em. Thanks for pointing those out to me - I completely forgot that I needed a comma there.

I'm glad you liked it, particularly the second one. That was the hardest one for me to write, as I had to keep making sure that I wasn't falling into the aforementioned "OMGSHE'SDEAAAAAD" mode. XD
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(no subject)

posted by [identity profile] viralmancer.livejournal.com at 08:46pm on 28/01/2007
Really? The aforementioned "OMGSHE'SDEAAAAAD" mode is actually pretty easy to avoid (if you're an angst writer XD) because it's easy to spot. Like, there's mourning for your dead best friend and repeatedly seeing her ghost (TRAGICANGST ALERT, you gotta love it XD), and then there's bellowing like a moose at said best friend's wake and refusing to budge from the chocolate table. Yes, there is such a thing as a chocolate table. Because I said so. (Guess which of the above is the OSD mode?)
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(no subject)

posted by [identity profile] stunt-muppet.livejournal.com at 01:51am on 29/01/2007
Hmmm...I'm gonna go with the moose one. That's the OSD mode, right? XD

There should be a chocolate table at wakes. It'd make things easier for everyone.
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