stunt_muppet

Dear Whoever is responsible for CSI: Miami,

You're starting to piss even me off.

Enclosed is my list of demands. Get with the fixing.



1. STOP IT WITH THE STUPID CAMERA TRICKS. Consider your target demographic, folks. If we are watching a show entitled Crime Scene Investigation, then it is assumed that a certain amount of "science" or "investigation" will hold our attention. You don't need to throw in split screens, random meaningless slow-mo, sudden flashes to black-and-white, and whatever the hell that telescoping-screen-window thing was to make it exciting. Just point the damn camera where it needs to be. WE'LL WATCH IT ANYWAY.

I also find it personally offensive that the worst of these camera tricks took place during what little screentime Alexx has. I think I speak for the majority of the viewing public when I say that we could watch Khandi Alexander hang drywall and be utterly spellbound. No one needs stupid camera tricks less than her.

2. Those horrible dancing subtitles need to die. They're not exciting. They look silly. Put them on the bottom of the damn screen like normal human beings.

3. Stop making all the Cuban people stupid. No one ever says that a guy was "coming to the States to do evil". A Cuban boy would say it the same way an American boy would - "he had a huge scary rifle and I think he was going to kill someone". If you wouldn't say it in English, don't say it in Spanish.

4. On the subject of Cubans, that whole anti-Castro bit near the end was so unnecessary I could scream. Trust me, I dislike Castro intensely - as, I suspect, does the greater part of Miami. But all that crap about "doing good for Miami" doesn't belong. Horatio's dialogue, especially, seemed to come completely out of left field. Financing an anti-Castro movement does not necessarily equal doing good for Miami.

Besides, I think we're getting away from the basic point of the show here. The CSI's aren't there to support a political viewpoint, they're there to catch murderers and make sure people don't get killed. I quote you the very first episode, "Golden Parachute", where the one survivor of a plane crash turns out to be the killer responsible for it. Delko comments that he "saved the wrong guy"; Horatio responds "No such thing". See, that's what we're getting at. You're there to stop people from getting killed, not to judge whether or not they should die. That's the criminal justice system's job.

Granted, the point is moot since the anti-Castro guy had a sniper aiming at him and therefore did, in fact, need to be saved. BUT STILL.

5. Back to the stupid camera tricks. If Horatio's going to shoot someone, just have him shoot them. Don't cut back to the sniper's rifle scope, then focus on Horatio's gun that appears to be floating in space even though it was up against the other guy's head. Just have him pull the trigger and shoot. We've seen worse on this show before. Trust me. We can deal with it.

6. The whole thing with Frank and the landmine. You referenced it in the episode TAGLINE, for goodness' sake. And yet that took up all of seven minutes of the actual episode. Understandable, yes - it's hard to build an episode around someone holding still - but don't you think the tagline should focus on what actually happens during most of the episode - like, for example, Eric gets conned and there's a sniper running around in Miami? Those took up far more time than the landmine.

That doesn't mean I object to the fact that Frank was actually in the tagline and had something to do, though. By all means, continue with that. Miami needs Frank.

7. Mr. Caruso, please speak to someone in the hair and makeup department. You need to start pushing your hair back again instead of leaving it loose. The floppy look is just too...floppy. It looks better the other way.

In your defense, Powers That Be of Miami, I feel the need to point out the one part of the episode I'm really glad was included. It was a brief line, but I'm glad you brought it up.

ERIC: "Yeah, but what me and Horatio did in Brazil - that wasn't exactly sanctioned."

THANK YOU. I was wondering when someone was going to bring that up. Because really, I know that Riaz was a scuzz who murdered Marisol and Ray, and I know he deserved what he got, blah blah blah. That doesn't change the fact that H and Eric were off in Brazil dispensing vigilante justice - or, in plainer terms, committing vengeance-motivated murder. Isn't that what they charge and arrest people for week after week?

Granted, the people they arrest are usually exacting vengeance for much smaller matters. Still, though. It's worth pondering. Trouble is I have a feeling you're not going to ponder it. Are you.

So, in conclusion, if the next few episodes (specifically Man Down) don't meet AT LEAST five of my demands, with Number One being top priority, there will be consequences. I know where you live and I have your gerbil.