stunt_muppet

It's official. Writing is no longer a hobby or even an activity for me. Now it's a manic, unstoppable, life-devouring COMPULSION.

And although I'm okay with that most of the time, right now...just please, please make it go away. It's scaring me.

Whilst working on future chapters of Little Brother (which I was doing at the same time that I was TOTALLY STUDYING FOR MY BIO TEST so there), I came across a particularly troublesome scene that, in order to work convincingly, required an intimate knowledge of both of the Caine-ling's mental processes. So, rather than try to force the scene (never works out well), I stepped back, plugged in my iPod (music helps me think), and tried to figure out how they'd both react in this situation.

This quickly spiraled out of control.

Instead of an answer to the question at hand, I ended up with a multiple-page, complete psychological breakdown of H and Ray, analyzing in excruciating detail why they were the way they were, and how everything they had ever done or would do could in some way be tied back to a single basic mental scheme. This was all scribbled in the margins of my Philosophy notebook (because my musings were inconveniently interrupted by my 3:30 class), in tiny tiny handwriting next to hasty notes on objections to Berkeley's idealism.

But I didn't really get worried until I finished with the brothers and got started on Dad.  (Their dad, not mine)

This went on for pages. Phrases like "vaguely Oedipal symbolism" were tossed about.

Troubling? Yes, but I just put it down to a resurgent muse and unwholesome fangirlishness. And I kept thinking that until I opened up my writing journal to copy down what I'd written, and I realized that I've done this for 98% of all the characters I've ever written, both in fanfic and original fiction. Complete psychoanalysis. Elaborate explanation for their actions and behaviors. I think for a few of my characters it even got genetic.

Now that was scary.

Because it made me realize - when I have no ideas, when I'm stuck in a rut, when I'm rewriting something for the twentieth time, or I'm going through one of my 'I hate my work' phases, I keep writing anyway. I turn to my characters and I pick them apart, mostly so I know them enough to write about, but also so that I can be writing something. When I can't write my stories, I write the characters. I write them half to death. I come to know them better than I know any real people. A lot of it comes from a writer's necessity to know her characters and get inside their heads, sure, but I think a lot of it stems from the fact that I want to write something and I can. Not. Stop.

Thing is, I do that with everything else. Once I've processed a character to death, I'll write snippets of the story - not necessarily anything I'll use, just bits. Pieces. And if I find myself unable to write the actual stories for whatever reason? I update my LJ. I write fic reviews. I write episode recaps. I write long, wordy "About Me" profiles. I just keep on writing.
 
Needless to say, I am frightened. And I'm wondering if I should be worried that I keep switching between "I don't want to write anything ever again" and "omg paper and pencil must start writing right nooooooooow". 

*dies*