Nah, this entry is whining about actually for-real failing Organic Chem. I mean, I tried, the night before my final, to finish all the work I had to make up, I really did. And I studied. And then I got my third test back and saw I'd gotten a 42 out of 110 on it, which is somehow worse than I did on the test I didn't even finish.
And so I just said "fuck it" and hid in my room for the rest of the day until it was time to go to work and didn't even check to see if my professors e-mailed me because I just wanted to forget I'd ever taken that class.
In all honesty? I'd be okay with taking it again. It'd be kind of a waste of money, but I've saved up from working the holidays. What I'm most worried about is what kind of lie I'm going to tell my mother. I'm not looking forward to the freak-out "what's wrong with you, I thought you were getting better, you're so much better than this" business. I get why I failed - I was working plus taking care of her while she did her schoolwork plus taking care of my grandfather plus applying to/fretting over grad school plus getting sick plus not giving a crap about the class after the halfway point. But given that she wants me to go to grad school so bad I'm afraid she'll make me quit work, and I don't want to do that before I get another job. I need an outside job to feel useful, to feel like I'm doing something with myself, and also I hate having to borrow money from my parents.
I wish I still gave a crap. I hate not giving a crap, especially about grad school. As much as I hate the idea of it I feel like I don't have a choice, like if I don't have that impetus of "go to grad school" I'll have no direction and just sit around my parents' house and wallow. Even if I know I wouldn't.
Oh, and the mouspad on my computer stopped working, in more first-world-problem news. I need to try to scrounge up a USB mouse to make sure that it's just the mouse and not the whole computer suddenly, which I don't think it is since it boots up okay. Uuuugh. Why is everything kind of bollocks right now.
On a completely different note, listening to nonstop holiday music at the shop seriously makes me want to write about the various religions and psuedo-religions and gods and celebrations in my various fandoms. Like hey, wasn't Time considered a goddess in Doctor Who secondary canon? Odd, given the fact that Time Lords are supposed to be a highly advanced scientific society. Is this a sign of their decadence, or of how far they've fallen, that they attribute what they formerly had mastery over to the supernatural? And hey, maybe there's even a James Frazer "Golden Bough" thing going on where because so many sophisticated minds believe in this godlike force and as such that causes her to be real and time to stop behaving rationally.
Or hey, even Transformers. Primus/the planet/the creator is referred to as a god, but how does one worship or express faith in something that you know is currently extant and beneath your feet? What about the Thirteen, do people know about that? Are they like saints? Or Homestuck, with the obvious parallels between The Sufferer, the Dolorosa, the Disciple and the Psionic to Jesus, Mary, Mary Magdalene and Peter - and given all the dinners my family eats over at the Cuban place with all its Santeria candles I ended up thinking about the history of Marian devotion and how strongly Mary is represented in syncretic religions and hey, I wonder how that would go when not only is the Mary figure still alive (because she doesn't get killed till Mindfang's time) but the whole faith is sort of underground and secret and if any of the Sufferer's secret followers have a branch of Dolorosa devotion and I'm thinking about this too hard again aren't I.
Of course, this is sometimes this is the only think keeping me from punching someone in the face the 500th time I hear "Rocking Around the Christmas Tree", so there's that.
I plan on doing very little but sleeping tomorrow.